Elm Tree Soup

You might have guessed from the title that this is not going to be helpful. You may even be able to buy Elm Tree Soup off the shelf (so to speak) at your local garden centre. Any shop that has the gall to sell recycled plastic reindeer droppings with little bells in June might just do the same for Elm Tree Soup. At that last resort, I would have to say that anything home made will taste like soot. If I made it.

There is a serious philosophical dissertation coming here, so dust off your MA in soup-making. This is how it goes.

If I could find something so utterly gormless to build my thesis around, I wouldn’t have to agree with anybody, and still get a ‘First’. Or in the realms of Elm Tree Soup-making, a ‘Thirst’. The problem with getting all these ‘levels’ (you know ‘A’ or ‘O’ or ‘Spirit’ or ‘Mezzanine’) is that you have to AGREE WITH PEOPLE. It’s no good on the exam paper saying, “I don’t like the way you fart, so my answer is much better than yours.”

That’s a non-starter. What you have to do is memorize by heart every last hiccup of the examining board, disengage any suspiciously subversive brain cell activity, and write like hell. Anything. Unfortunately, I have a lot of trouble agreeing with anybody, which is why I repair electronics. If I disagree with it sufficiently, I can stamp my climbing boot on it.

This option, I hasten to add, is not usually one you might come across in an exam room. Neither do they ply you with tea and macaroons. Which is something else I can’t agree with.


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