Put the ‘Cuffs on, Mate, I did it….!

This is a layman’s guide to how to get away with murder. Or close to it, anyway.

Let’s (just for a minute) consider the terrible repercussions of my stealing a box of matches. Not a robbery, you understand; just a slight misappropriation of funds. Call it creative accountancy, if you like. I did not (yer honour) waft a firearm about with abandon; neither did I threaten bodily harm, nor even the slightest suggestion of a frown did pass my forehead. I just nicked the box of matches. Displaying a certain skill, I might modestly add.

Now let’s consider the Countess of Canterbury’s diamond necklace. Using similar levels of skill and identical nonviolent techniques, I nicked it. Yer Honour. Is this a more serious felony than my nicking (in exactly the same circumstances) Cyril Crabtree’s box of matches? If the long plonker of the Law comes down harder on the diamond necklace felony than on the box of matches felony, surely the Law is more concerned with the irrecoverable nature of the knocked off goods than the crime. Will I get six months in Dartmoor for the theft of a fiver and ten years for the theft of a hundred quid? If not, why not? Which gets us to my theory that most folks on the internet should be doing time, in a big way.

“Why” quoth the affronted internet population “should’st thou level that one at us, o varlet?”

It goes like this. The real reason that the diamond thief might have got strung up in days of yore, and got a mere ducking in the village pond for half-inching Cyril’s box of (damp) matches, is relative to the ease that the contraband would be replaceable.

The most irreplaceable possession any of us has? TIME. TIME. TIME. You just cannot get it back if somebody wastes it for you.

So the next time you read some brain-dead Tweet, twitter, twatter, facebook, bong, don’t just suffer it. Send ‘em a bill. Or better still, a summons of court.

If dealing with official bodies? Send ‘em a bill. Multiply it by a few thousand.

Better still, accumulate a load of their pamphlets, circulars, polls, customer reviews, opinion polls, and post them to a deserving cause. The council, say. It doesn’t matter which one, just steal their TIME. They can’t touch you for it; sadly.

I need that cup of tea. Preferably cold , to dowse the steam blasting out of my ears.