And Now…..KAM !!!! Another fully paid-up member of ARS

“So!” I hear you ejaculate (?); “What is this ‘ARS’ that you insist on my sensibilities?”

ARS is a fine example of the group of phrases known as ’acronyms’. It is also, by the by, a fair description of the companies who deal in ‘Anonymously Ridiculous Subterfuge’. These people’s productions are soooo….clever, that they are quite convinced that there is nobody else can repair them. This not all that surprising when you discover that the schematics are encoded in Sanskrit and buried under the Sphinx.

I have to admit that most current and recent gear blends into a sort of mess of colourless nonentity when I have to recall what they are. Or what they’re called. Or even what they do, sometimes. So I can’t really be expected to remember this KAM mixer because it also blended into the undergrowth of standardised, erm, undergrowth.

The last DJ-esque thing I looked at was a Neumark Dimension something or other power amp, and the thing I remember most about it is that it had been imported from planet Zarg; and the schematics, so far as I could work out after various expeditions up the Unpopo, were still residents of Zarg. I was bloody minded enough (on that occasion, and usually, anyway) to draw the thing out with my trusty pencil on the back of a fag packet, which enabled me to prevent the owner paying out a few hundred quid to Neumark. So it was worth the effort just for the opportunity to deal a hefty fiscal boot to the groin of another member of ARS.

Back to KAM. It’s a while ago now but the most memorable bit of it was that it looked like everything else. From my point of view that means ‘made of tin and sharp edges and most of B&Q’s stock of self tappers’. And it didn’t work. I often forget that bit because when I get something it nearly always doesn’t.

In this case the left hand output was down. After week or two’s trawling the internet, I had to admit that KAM was definitely a member of ARS. In that situation one is reduced either to:-

a) giving up; b) eating the workshop carpet; or c) having to think.

This one wasn’t that bad. If you look at the mixer from the front, on the right hand side are the two output faders. After removing a tinful of screws, the pcb is revealed, as are five SIL (single in line) chips. Four of them are situated in a square formation between the faders. The really interesting one is at the top of that pcb. This is the final amplifier before the output, and this was the one that had faulted. Get your favourite integrated circuit data book out and find the pinout arrangement for that chip. All you need then (and this test works for most op amp chips) is your multimeter, set on a volt range of say 0-25 volts or so. This is a dual chip so it has two outputs. At those two output pins you should see a zero volt reading, or at most a few millivolts. A faulty chip will often give out rail volts (that’s plus or minus 12 or 15 volts-ish). That was the case for this KAM mixer. And, once again, the customer did not spend a few hundred quid with KAM for a new mixer; but about £40 with me. I doubt, however, if he was going to heartily recommend KAM to anybody except for a good kicking.

All’s Well that Ends Well. Shakespeare said that. “And now for a cuppa and a macaroon.” I don’t think he said that.

A Travelogue….dedicated to Mark, the third reader of this blog

Yes; it came about after I had relieved Mark of £110 in aid of resurrecting his lovely Fender bass amp. It had blown a fair chunk of the power supplies, and fried three output valves. He admitted that he regularly read this blog. I had to believe he read it because there was no way he could hang his laptop on the nail in the bog for more useful pursuits.

So here’s one for you, Mark. Hope you and your lovely Fender are keeping well.

                       A Travelogue:-

                         How to go Somewhere Foreign.

           If you’re English, it doesn’t take you very long to catch on that there is something seriously wrong with you.

Your first problem after being born, which was finding out how to breathe, (in England, we have a Government Pamphlet for that. I know that because we have a Government Pamphlet for everything) you are then given another pamphlet that tells you who is Foreign. It’s quite a short pamphlet. It just says ‘Everybody’.

So ‘Going Somewhere Foreign’ is a really easy book to write, because if you live at ‘27, Bargery Street, Dipstick, Doobyshire,’ for instance, you know for a fact that ‘29, Bargery Street, Dipstick, Doobyshire,’ is Foreign. As are all the other numbers in Bargery Street and Everywhere Else.

So my Travelogue could be about, say; ‘32, Bargery Street’. I would then go on to discuss useful matters for the tourist of 32, Bargery Street.

The climate for instance; ‘Overbearing’ about covers it. ‘How to get around in 32, Bargery Street’; which of course contains bus timetables, when to hitch a lift on their dog, and avoiding the bedroom at certain times.

But on this occasion, just this once, you understand, I’m going for the adventurous approach. I’m going to do ‘the Solar System’.

Think big, just this once.

‘The Solar System is Very Big’. There we are, done that.

Onwards and upwards to…….A cup of tea and…..A macaroooooon!!!!!!