How to Make a Lot of Money Very Quick

A notion, at which you might shudder as it slithers out from under the slimy rock next to your settee, is fairly pre-puberty in its tower block subtlety. It has a mathematical probability approaching certainty that, considering the glut of advisors on this very subject, nobody is telling you anything that might be remotely useful to your acquiring your first million. Or first fiver, for that matter. Otherwise we’d all be rolling in it. Money, that is. You can procure, with no more than garcon-esque twitch of the little finger, enough paper to start Guy Fawkes off. Just so long as none of it looks like a ten pound note.

So, just to clarify.

First: anybody who is willing to advise you free of charge, is going to send you a bill in the next post. Except that you can take money off folks a lot quicker these days with a PayPal account. The free gift offered will not, strange to say, be a brush to paint the red numbers in your current account black. More likely it is a wobbly plastic dinosaur that makes your cornflakes taste of urine. Maybe that’s what they taste like without the wobbly plastic dinosaur, but I’ve never had a box without one so it’s hard to tell.

A simple litmus test is all we need to prove the aforementioned pecuniary point. First of all you need to locate a barrister, solicitor or some other member of that august body. You can tell an august body member by its shape; they’re the ones that drop their leaves (and anything else that may give a career leg up) at the merest mention of an annuity. You may need to nip back to the rock next to your settee to pinpoint one of these members geographically, however.

“How does this test go, then?” you might wonder. It is very, very simple. The whole profession is very, very simple so that should come as no surprise. If you really want to join it you need no more than extraordinary memory for things that didn’t matter four hundred years ago. And a completely vacuous brain for anything that might, even from a vast distance, seem like it might make sense. Back to the test.

Our barrister, we will conjecture, is progressing along the street towards us. They don’t walk. This one has just emerged from a litigation meeting and is swinging from the bells of Notre Dame but without the bells. This is because they are paid by the second in gold bullion and insist on it in cash. Or if it looks like a scorpion poised to stick something nasty in you, this one is very, very important and just can’t quite get its nose far enough away from its arse. Back to the test. You ask it the time. The answer will be


This will be announced without reference to any form of timepiece, but will certainly be accompanied by vigorous scratching’s on a triplicate pad. The following morning, a buff-coloured watermarked manila envelope will fall on your doormat. This will contain a bill for £746.73 and a statement of the time “3.24 pm.”

Now that’s How to Make a Lot of Money Very Quick.


Numark Dimension4

This Numark power amp was a real challenge to my bald spot, which threatened to broaden to an area which could comfortably accommodate a five-aside football match. And the crowd.

Don’t ask me why I walk into these death traps; I put it down to hereditary traits of insanity. This was one of those amps that, so far as the customer is concerned, was worth far more dead than alive. The repair bill would go along way to buying a new one. So, I acquire these things. Until, that is, the pile becomes so great that the sphinx would have a hard time seeing over it. Then, I buckle down and get my ‘bloody minded’ hat on, which means I will stare these things down into oblivion, until they get so bored that they throw up their hands and say “Alright! Leave me in peace! I’ll work”. On this amp, I stared at the same three inch square piece of pcb for a week. It should have been embarrassed, but it wasn’t.

So, how does this situation arise? You might well ask. After forty years, I still find things that I never suspected could exist on a planet governed by the laws of logic. Or even this one. I look at it like this. Or maybe the other way round on a bad day. It is something I could file under ‘I do not understand this.’ But as that covers 99% plus, of everything, we haven’t narrowed it down, much.

So let’s take the specific case in point. The Numark Dimension4. People keep secrets, which is fine as I don’t want to know anything about anybody else anyway. But not good if the people who built the God-forsaken machine want you to think that it’s some kind of miraculous invention that it’s dangerous for people to know about. So they keep everything associated with their bloody silly machines in a filing cabinet surrounded by a minefield and razor wire, and mark it ‘radioactive’. Now you’re going to say ”But what about ‘Intellectual Property’ and all that?”

And I’d say “To be a possessor of intellectual property, you first must be the possessor of an intellect.” Sorry, that’s just bitchy. But let’s take the opportunity to straighten out whose property this intellectual stuff is.

Sticking to the power amp (although a similar reasoning exists behind much ‘modern’ electronics); the basic topology of the orthodox semiconductor power amplifier has changed very little over probably sixty years. It’s had bits added and new devices do this or that differently, but the idea has evolved hardly at all. And even that idea evolved from way before that. That means then, that everybody steals the intellectual property belonging to the bloke who first developed the idea. Doing the odd modification here or there is like claiming the invention of grass is yours because you happen to cut it.

So people like Numark, are effectually protecting the stuff they nicked in the first place.

The fact that they change this or that resistor does not amount to a new idea. It has all been done before. How much of this sounds familiar?

Back to my worst fault in the world. In order to get hold of a Numark schematic there are many hoops to be negotiated. I don’t like that. So I drew out the relevant section of the circuit (with an archaic pencil and paper, would you believe?). It took a long time. But anybody who can stare down inanimate objects can hack the ‘long time’ bit.

Not a great reproduction, sadly.

Anyway, I figured out what the problem was, fitted various transistors, and……it didn’t work. The worst fault ever, is the one you think you’ve fixed, and even worse than that is the one where a replacement component you fitted is faulty. But I’ve found another, even worse than that, and it took the Numark Dimension4 amplifier to demonstrate it in all its nastiness.

The component I fitted (a 2SA1364) had the WRONG FUCKING NUMBER ON IT!!!!!

Apologies for the graphic language. Time for tea.